I had a thought several months ago that I am arguing with myself quite often. I used to have conflict situations inside me on a daily basis all the time, I still do sometimes, but at least now I work on it and know how to cope with that OR who to talk to help me understand myself. It’s a funny thing though, talking to someone to start to feel yourself better but I will talk about it later on.
I’ll start with the story. I dreamed to be a dancer all my life. I love music, I enjoy dancing and as soon as I hear the track which somehow moves deeply, I instantly have tons of ideas for some short choreography, or I literally imagine how would a dance look like for video shooting. I mean, my creativity is on it! But I am too self-critical. I do hate an inability to create a dance, have staging, choreography within minutes, an hour.
So what I used to do a lot (and..again, still do it from time to time), was impatient and highly self-critical, so instead of trying more and practising, I just wanted to quit, I was anxious, angry and these emotions easily ruined my whole day. In addition to that, I compare myself with other incredible professional dancers. “But comparing yourself with others is fine, you can grow by doing that” – you might think. Not in my case. I compared myself to the point where I thought – “It doesn’t make sense for me to dance anymore, because they are better and some of them are much younger but they already have such a decent background and experience.
Not only did I started to think about it a lot, but it worried my fiancé and some other friends when they realized why I was in a bad mood, or didn’t want to create and didn’t work to do anything basically! That’s where the talking with people worked out well. My fiancée Declan talked to me a lot and he asked the correct questions which helped me understand where all that negativity came from. Many evenings we spent talking and digging deeper into Anastasia’s brain and emotions to find real motives for thinking that way and figuring out ways to fix it. At some point, I really felt broken. I started to read more self-help books such as:
The miracles of your mind by Joseph Murphy
Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action by Simon Sinek How to become more creative
Podcasts became one of my favourite sources for getting information. I am listening to podcasts of Tim Ferris, Tony Robbins, Casey Neistat etc. on SoundCloud.
I’ll dive into books, podcasts, some online courses, training a bit later. Let’s talk about the transition. By saying that I mean the transition from “I don’t like myself, I hate that I am not like that person” to “I understand myself, I like what I do and the way I think, I can achieve whatever I want and I help myself to become better.” It is rough.
If you ask me to find a comparison to that feeling, it’s like a gale. And you are in a tiny wooden boat, getting covered by huge waves. But the deal is – stop fighting the sea. You won’t win fighting with waves. They will immerse you very easy. That what happened to my mind at some point. I almost drowned in the ocean of negative and limiting beliefs. As soon as I started to actually work on that, slowly it became more and obvious that it’s all changeable. And It’s not so hard to make changes. The best part of it all – to see your first results.
To be continued…